What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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