I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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