With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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