Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
