my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
