Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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