I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
