I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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