i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
