Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
smell my finger.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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