god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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