You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My friends, they love my intelligence
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
