I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
