my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
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Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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