I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
