i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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