I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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