Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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