On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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