I am midnight drunk by noon
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
