I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
