Kareoke will never be a sober sport
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I am midnight drunk by noon
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I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
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Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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