Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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