Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
