I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
