eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
