oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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