Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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