why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This baby is an asshole
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
