Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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