My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
