After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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