went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
