I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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