I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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