The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
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You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
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This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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