I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My life is pants optional.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
