oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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