NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
