you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
