After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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