btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
