why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
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oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
the raccoons are back...
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