hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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