dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
