I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
