We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
