I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
