I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
