my phone needs a breathalizer
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
