Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
