They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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