so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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