I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
sarcasm needs its own font
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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