you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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