just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
