You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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