I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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