i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
